handshake drugs

i'm out of the initial surgery window. i'm up and moving. a bit. still up on crutches, but i'm up and down on my own. and i can lift my left leg on my own. i can almost tie my shoes on my own. that's a big day that's coming soon. i took the dressing off the other night to shower. i have about five holes around my knee. i have an incision about two inches long right under my knee. it all looked good. i cleaned up and dried off and felt great. i have never taken a shower on a cooler before, there is a first time for everything. see, i can't stand up on my own. so i had to sit. and a cooler was, crazy enough, the most logical choice. i think we're going to take it back to the store. so think about that the next you buy something, never knowing if someone sat naked on it and then took it back.

i also slept in my normal bed last night. i had been staying on the couch. i'm trying to get back to normal sleeping hours. i was sleeping and waking up and watching tv and then falling back to sleep. one night i was up at four in the morning watching 'how i met your mother'. is that dude ever going to end that story? i'm really ready to find out how he met his wife. and then we can move on the spin-off, 'how i met my third cousin rosie'. anyway, i need to get it together sleep wise.

i think i'm ready for my top ten for 2011. here it goes:

1. destroyer- kaputt
2. thurston moore- demolishing thoughts
3. my morning jacket- circuital
4. m83- hurry up, we're dreaming
5. fleet foxes- helplessness blues
6. wilco- the whole love
7. girls- father, son, holy ghost
8. panda bear- tomboy
9. real estate- days
10. radiohead- king of limbs
11. kurt vile- smoke ring for my halo
12. pains of being pure at heart- belong
13. a.a. bondy- believers
14. the low anthem- smart flesh
15. bon iver- bon iver
16. the strokes- angles
17. washed out- within and without

albums that i have a feeling are good, but i haven't heard:
1. ryan adams- ashes and fire
2. wye oak- civilian
3. ladybug transistor- clutching stems
4. the roots- undun
5. the smith westerns- dye it blonde

pretty good year for music this year. the radiohead album was a bit of a disappointment. wilco's new album was really a great welcome back from the band. the strokes rode the 80s wave and knocked a few tracks out of the park. i didn't see a lot of concerts this year: my morning jacket, the avett brothers, fruit bats, vetiver, noah and the whale and guster.

what else in 2011? travelled quite a bit: salt lake city, atlanta, kansas city, san jose, seattle. i stole a pizza in kc. i saw guster in salt lake city and ran into the starbucks guy out walking his dog on a random street in slc. that was awkward. got picked up and dropped in atlanta in a karoake bar. nothing exciting in san jose or seattle. got back from seattle and tore my acl. that weekend. way back in october. that was the last time i could run. never thought i'd miss running.

i usually have big even years. see below:
2010: moved to denver, got a job
2008: graduated and got married
2006: got engaged and moved in
2004: wrote a book and at the peak of my hotness

big stuff. now, see the odd numbered years:
2011: tore my acl
2009: moved into a cave
2007: nothing happened at all
2005: actually this was a good year, but you need an exception always

good stuff ahead.

good morning spider

i am alive people! i think that's probably where i should start. but the story begins earlier than that. actually, that's not true, because that's probably the beginning to all of my stories if you want to get technical. so i won't start there. instead i'll start thursday morning in the great city of denver:

9:15 a.m. i woke up and started getting ready for the big day. it had snowed the night before, so demitria had to wake up and snovel the driveway and sidewalk before we could go. there was probably about six inches of snow on the ground. i couldn't eat or drink anything before the surgery. bummer. i really wanted a glass of water. or some coffee. instead, i made sure my out of office reply was working for my work email.

10:15 a.m. i signed in. i had to fill out all kinds of paperwork saying i was notified of this and i was notified of that. took about 15 minutes to get through all the paperwork. and i didn't know at the time, i had more paperwork ahead of me in the pre-operating area.

11:15 a.m. they called my name. i went back and they took my blood pressure and asked me questions about my lifestyle. i said no to the questions about body piercing and tattoos. i said no to the hardcore drug questions. the nurse told me a story about one of her friends and how he found out his wife was cheating on him. good story. took my mind off the surgery.

11:30 a.m. i changed into my gown and got into bed. the nurse, the one with the good cheating story, shaved my knee and scrubbed it clean with iodine. she was having a hard time finding an adequate vein in my right arm, so she switches and finds a nice vein in my left hand. that's where they put the iv. now, i want to interject here that i heard several comments about how redheads are genetic mutants. i had heard a similar comment from my surgeon prior to the surgery in my last doctor's visit. he said that redheads had loose joints. the nurse said we have bad veins and bleed a lot of easier. all in all, the main topic of both conversations was that redheads are genetic mutants as already mentioned. i found that fascinating that doctors and nurses had these ideas pertaining to redheads and they were pretty commonly held among the medical community. interesting.

12:10 p.m. the doctors and the anesthesiologist came by and made sure i was ready. made sure we're doing the left knee and made sure we're using my own hamstring. the nurse had mentioned that since i was nervous i could ask the anesthesiologist for something before i go into surgery to calm me down. so of course, i did. and as they're wheeling me away, it starts to kick in and i yell to demitria that i can feel it kicking in. it felt like i'd just taken about 5 shots of alcohol at the same time. whoozy, but still hanging in there.

12:25 p.m. i'm in the operating room. it's cold. there's music. i start asking the doctor if i can get out of the house to watch the texans game on sunday. and that's it. i don't remember anything.

12:30 p.m.- 2:00 p.m. i don't remember anything. didn't have a single thought. no dreams while i was out. time gone from my life that's basically erased.

2:15 p.m. i'm out and awake. i don't remember much here either, but i do remember a nurse asking me how much pain i was in. and offering me cookies, which i accepted.

2:50-6:00 p.m. the rest of this time was waking up and getting moving. lots of breathing and making sure i wasn't nauseous. finally i got into a wheelchair and they wheeled me out and i was home.

that was the day. the big surgery day. woke up, got knocked out, got cut up and finally got home. it's amazing that this kind of stuff is even possible.

sister morphine

i'll be out of commission starting tomorrow around 11am for a few days. big day. pretty nervous. big week for me and tj yates.

every teardrop is a waterfall

the new coldplay album came out about 3-4 weeks ago. i heard a few tracks here and there, on the radio, on the web. i watched them perform on the colbert report. i have bought every coldplay album. from the beginning with 'parachutes' to the most recent album, 'viva la vida'. i even thought a real argument could be made that viva la vida was their best album.

but when the new album came out, i felt nothing. i had no desire to buy it, burn it or acquire it in anyway. i was done with coldplay. it was not a conscious decision. it wasn't something i had thought about and considered and finally acted on. i was just done. i had divorced coldplay.

but why? why would i divorce a band who's last album i thought could have been their best one? so i started thinking about why a person divorces a band. it wasn't the first time i had done it. after supergrass's 'road to rouen', i stopped buying their albums. of course, they only had one more left, but that's beside the point. after the white stripes 'get behind me satan' i didn't buy another one of their albums. i think they only had one left too. after 'jacksonville city nights', i stopped buying ryan adam albums and i think we all know he's released a few since then.

i think you reach a saturation point with a band. either a point where you think they're done or a point where you just don't ache for that sound anymore or a point where they don't feel like your band anymore. the relationship between a fan and a band is complicated and often times, ridiculous, but it is real. you do feel affection and love towards this group of people you've never met, but who's music has contributed to your life immensely. and just like a friendship or love has run its course, sometimes being a fan can run its course too.

coldplay, i will cherish what we had. i will cherish listening to 'yellow' and all the songs on 'a rush of blood to the head'. a girl once used one your songs to win my heart. you've achieved great success and adoration all over the world. but i have to move on. i can't be with you and 'mylo xyloto'. it's over, coldplay. goodbye.

happy thanksgiving!

in the spirit of thanksgiving, i thought i would post a clip that perfectly encapsulates the current state of our spirited economy. and for that, we should give thanks.

what's happening brother?

i think when marvin gaye sings, "and tell me friend, how in the world have you been?", it's one of the sincerest moments in music history. it's just saturated with empathy and a kind of tiredness that only someone who has traveled that long road can feel.

i just love it.

written in the snow, pt. 1

i have winterized the music choices in the living room. out with the summer and sunshine, in with the cold and lonesome. here is what is currently in rotation:

1. the autumn defense- circles
2. van morrison- astral weeks
3. neil young- after the gold rush
4. frank sinatra- in the wee small hours of the morning
5. marvin gaye- what's going on

lots of singer-songwriter type stuff. there's more down there. as noted in the blog title, i will be revisiting my winter music rotation throughout the season. please try to keep your excitement in check. any emails asking for advance notice will be rebuffed. harshly.

the abandoned hospital ship

my surgery is scheduled for december 1st. that's a week after thanksgiving to the day. i received two opinions telling me the same thing: torn acl, partially torn mcl, surgery on the acl, no surgery on the mcl. that was good news. if one guy said torn acl and the other said bananas, we would have an issue.

the surgery will take one hour. i will have a new acl put together with a clamp and two screws. i think one of the screws is more of a bolt. not sure on that. i get to hang around the hospital for a couple hours and then they send me home. that will be it. in the morning i have a bad knee and in the evening i have a bad knee with the potential to be good in several weeks.

"we can rebuild him. we have the technology."

in other news, i went to physical therapy last week and got some tips on how to strengthen my knee in the meantime. it was a big help. i can already feel my leg getting stronger. basically he said my quad has shutdown and i have to get blood flowing back in there. i've been trying to do that in the gym, but i haven't been successful. now i can feel a difference. it's funny how i'm doing all this work to get it better right before surgery, then i have surgery and then i have to do all the same work again to get it functioning after surgery. lots of work. for volleyball.

in other, other news, we're getting ready for thanksgiving. we had a feast year and we said we weren't going to that again but it sounds like we're going to do it again. i enjoyed it. i helped with a lot of the cooking last year. it was really fun. the only thing that would make it great is if it snowed. it hasn't snowed since before my birthday.

i went nuts at twist and shout the other day. i spent my birthday gift cards. bought the following:

1. lou reed- berlin
2. spiritualized- live royal albert hall
3. real estate- (new album)
4. m83- hurry up, we're dreaming
5. warren zevon- excitable boy
6. super furry animals- phantom power
7. sparklehorse- good morning spider

i think that's it. i have a soft spot for the super furry animals. good stuff. and i think sparklehorse is one of the most underrated bands of all time. so good.

last night

i'm not sure what i saw last night. i think there was a football game of some sort. it didn't really look like one. lots of bad throws. bad plays. three and outs. i was confused and disoriented. then, out of nowhere, it was crystal clear. there was noise. crowds cheering. people excited. we had won the game.

that's what it's like watching the denver broncos and tim tebow. lots of confusion. lots of ugliness. and then, madness, chaos and a win. it's really amazing. they're running the option! the option! we ran that at channelview high school! the option! and they're winning with it!

it's really amazing.

and how about two whammies for houston sports in one week. matt schaub out for the rest of the season and the astros moving to the AL west. wow. matt leinert is our new quarterback and i have to love the DH. don't know if i can swallow it. don't know if i can take it. i guess i'll get over it. i guess i'll use the glow and aura of tim tebow here in denver to keep me warm and safe at night. thank you tim tebow for looking out for us and protecting us from the harsh reality of the sports world.

king of snails

i'm 32 now. i had my birthday but didn't really consider my age in the whole discussion of the event. i guess age is something that will play less and less of an important role in the birthday scheme. when you're young, each age brings some new level of importance/independence: 16- driving, 18- voting and smoking and military action, 21- drinking, 25- renting a car. and there's some other stuff thrown in there too. but 32? not much different from 31 or 30 or 29.

way back in the yesteryear of 2006, i came up with a plan. i was tired of my life. i was tired of the direction it was going. i was tired of everything i thought i had wanted. so as previously mentioned in the prior sentence, i came up with a plan. the plan was as follows:

1. go back to school for a marketable skill/degree
2. propose to my girlfriend who i wanted as my wife
3. get a new job
4. get married
5. graduate
6. pass the cpa exam
7. move to colorado or oregon, which was my other top candidate

i have done all those things with the exception of passing the cpa exam. as you've seen in my last brilliant post, i did pass REG and i hope to finally pass FAR this month, leaving only AUD in january of next year. either way, however it shakes out, i will pass next year. it will be over at some point. that takes care of everything on the list from 2006. hell of list. hell of a lot of progress for five years, i think. so now i need a new list. a new list for 2012 and beyond. maybe another five years. i like to keep it simple. 20 years is too much. you get bogged down in all the stuff you have to do. new list. here we go in no particular order:

1. buy a house in denver
2. hike a 14er
3. get another new job
4. visit a foreign country, preferably ireland or canada
5. buy silver/gold
6. get master's degree
7. listen to every lou reed solo album
8. start a considerably productive garden
9. meet matt taibbi

number seven will be the toughest.

victory dance

in addition to my amazing birthday night i experienced last night, i got my score back for REG.

i passed.

now i have to pass FAR this month and AUD in january. i've already passed AUD once, but i lost the credit.

i cannot believe i finally passed REG. i failed FAR by two points last time and one point the time before. i'm going to be ready to get those points this time.

and then i'm going to land this thing finally.

if you want to feel how i felt when i got my score, check out the song above and crank it.

they say it's your birthday

i had a bad day at work. no matter how hard i try, i always feel like i'm trying to catch up to everybody else. they've gone to great schools and received master's degrees. they pass the cpa on the first try. all four parts. they're studs, these kids. i try and i try and i do okay. they do great. it wears on me. and eventually i'm either going to win this race, get tired and stop or the race will win. each day brings a different outcome for me.

today, the race was rough. i was running all day and i don't think i got anyway. i came home a defeated man as i often do. but my mood my instantly lifted when i opened the door and my wife had the house decorated for my birthday. there were balloons. there were hats. there were inflated balloons and a birthday sign. this is in addition to the dinner and movie we're going to later tonight.

and as a gift, she got me the smile sessions box set which i've been talking about none stop since it came to my attention that it was being released. i'm listening to it right now and loving it.

i came home a defeated man. one leg. hobbling around. and now i feel celebrated. things can change for you. quick. i might come home defeated most nights. but every night i come home to my wife, i win.

lulu

the reviews have not been kind. i didn't think they would be. i have only listened to about 4 or 5 tracks. i suffered through them. it's lou talking over the common metallica crunch. he doesn't even try to sing anymore. and metallica doesn't try to do anything because, well, metallica sucks and always has. but the two of them together, i thought could be something amazing. something messed up, but truly beautiful underneath. maybe they could pull the best out of each other and return to their true potential. i was probably thinking of another 'berlin' maybe. but the band lou had for 'berlin' was talented. metallica sound like grunge hacks.

still. i wouldn't mind hearing it again. lou always makes me listen twice. but i think i'll wait until it hits the used bin. because i know it will. and very soon.

porpoise song

we've come to two weeks since my injury. two weeks on living on basically a knee and a half. i don't recommend it. it's better to have two and that's only because you have two of everything else. it balances out. if anything goes from two to something less than two, everything is out of whack.

monday i get the MRI results. i'm really nervous. i want to believe that it's only a sprain and that i'm really fine. but i know there's something not right in my knee. i've had it 31 years. i know it pretty well. it's very possible i could be having surgery around my birthday, which is a week from monday. very possible.

it's amazing what the mind can put out of reach. i don't really think about it. i don't dwell on it. i don't obsess over it. but when that thought comes racing back from the back of mind, i start to sweat. i get a little queasy. i have these thoughts of me jumping in the air and coming down and my knee cracking and breaking and i fall over and down to the ground. i have thoughts of opening the garage door and putting significant weight on my knees and my left one buckles and i fall. i have these terrible thoughts. i mean, they're so ridiculous. i've had it happen for real. it happened two weeks ago and it felt nothing like that. it's just my mind trying to come to grips with this alien procedure. i'll be a nervous wreck when the time comes. or maybe i won't. i don't know. i cannot predict myself most of the time. i freak out when i shouldn't and then i'm abnormally calm when there's trauma and tragedy.

i don't know where i'm going with this. there really is no point. it's just rambling from my mind. worse will come to me in my life than this. this will be routine. this will be fine.

in other news, game six last night was beyond description. just, amazing. we're heading out to watch game seven tonight. i haven't watched a game seven since i was a young man in huntsville, texas. that was the last time there was a game seven in the world series. i'm super excited.

somebody just came to the door. why is that stressful? it didn't used to be. anytime the doorbell rings unexpectedly, i get that flight or fight feeling and since i can't fight or flight right now as i'm laid up on the couch, i had no idea what my third option was.

Ryan Adams - Night Sweats

this is one of the craziest things i've ever seen. it's awesome and it makes absolutely no sense. but i love it anyway. night sweats!

head over heels

this morning i was all over this town. i got a haircut, got some contacts and got some food from the whole grocer mart or something. i don't remember what it's called.

i also went by goodwill just to see what they had. i found three albums:

1. rem- automatic for the people
2. tears for fears- songs from the big chair
3. the rapture- echoes

all good finds for goodwill. also, i've been on a documentary kick since i can't get out much. i've watched:

1. man on wire
2. theremin- an electronic odyssey
3. scott walker- 30th century man
4. sacco and vanzetti

those are some good lists. i also took a bath this morning. much needed, i'll leave it at that. demitria comes back tomorrow. i need to tidy up a bit before she does. this is a pretty boring entry, but i haven't really been up to much lately. i'm sure when i get the surgery and i'm whacked out on painkillers, there will be much more lively entries.

Margin Call Trailer

the lehman story. but might be a good flick.

the end has no end

tonight witnessed an amazing feat. demitria is out of town and i have get by on my own. i made my dinner. it was awesome. i made some cheese dip. and i was able to get the chips, bowl and my drink to the living room without incident. of course, that was multiple trips. multiple slow trips. and i was able to get out of the car with my work backpack while talking on the phone without falling over. the amazing feats have no limits tonight.

now, i've eaten. and i'm getting ready to watch a couple documentaries before i go to bed early tonight. i have my MRI early tomorrow morning. i wonder what they're going to find in there?

home

i've been spending a lot of time at home since i messed up my knee. no working out. no biking. no jogging. no walking. lots and lots of couch time. i thought it was going to drive me crazy. and maybe it will in the coming months. there are still lots of trying times ahead. but i love being home. i don't have to fit in working out or whatever. i come home. i ice my knee. i hang out with my wife. it's actually kind of great. she's going out of town tomorrow for a few days. through the weekend at least. i'm going to miss her. i can't wait until she comes home again.

this bright flash

it's not great getting old. there are parts that i enjoy immensely: the going to bed early, the getting up early, the drinking of coffee, the feeling of 'i've been there' when younger people tell me stories, the appreciation of trees, winter and fresh fruit. the list goes on and on. what i don't like about getting old is that your body starts to become like an old radio. the reception is still there, but the thing requires these massive batteries if you've lost the cord. and if you haven't lost the cord, some of the buttons have worn off and the stickers you put on there at one time to be cool, now look old and kind of lame. i still have the first cd player i bought from sam's club in houston. the cd player does not work and there is a houston oilers sticker on it. really old. but the radio still works and it's my only working tape deck in the house. i think i bought that stereo/radio and garth brooks' 'in pieces' at the same time. i busted that out like a month ago. still has it charms.

saturday afternoon, i went hard to block a shot at the net. i was playing volleyball. i don't play volleyball very well. i did block the guy's shot though. kind of. it went out of bounds, but it looked awesome. what wasn't awesome was that when i came down, it felt like my knee exploded. i was having the worst pain i had ever experienced in my life. i had to carried off the court. eventually, the pain subsided. i hung out. drank a few beers and was feeling better. i decided i could walk home. so i stood up and put some pressure on that knee and i felt a shift in my knee that could only mean horrible, terrible things. i went to the ER, had an x-ray and found no broken bones. they referred me to a orthopedic surgeon for an MRI just to make sure nothing was damaged.

i didn't get the MRI today but the doctor spent two seconds moving my knee around and was 100% sure i had a torn ACL. needless to say, i will be having the MRI either tomorrow or the next day. but i'm pretty sure this guy knows what he's talking about so i have accepted the fact that i do in fact have a torn ACL. check out what is and what it means right here.

what it means for me is that i'll be having surgery. the first surgery in my life. i don't have to have surgery though. i can continue the rest of my life with a torn ACL and be fine. however, i will never be able to play tennis, basketball, soccer or anything else that requires a lot of stopping and starting. i don't think that's what i want from my life at 31. but on the other hand, i am scared to death of having surgery. i don't like knives or blood or scars. i don't think it's awesome to have stitches or stuff like that. i want my body non-carved.

but i have to do it. once the swelling goes down and once i can get some strength back in the knee, i'll be having ACL surgery on my left knee. probably will be about 3-4 weeks from now. right around my birthday. and then i can look forward to six months of being less than 100%. but i guess that's better than 50 years. right?