feeling yourself disintegrate

i know i've posted a lot of videos lately. but i guess if there was one that i'd want people to listen to, it would be this one because i'm listening to it over and over again as i write this.

"feeling yourself disintegrate."

nik cohn once said pet sounds was "sad songs about loneliness and heartache. sad songs even about happiness." and how equally and impenetrably intertwined sadness is with happiness. the last page of a book brings the penultimate feeling of joy but undoubtedly coupled with the final feeling of loss of the relationship you just ended by finishing the last sentence on the page.

each monumental accomplishment closes the door. each minute task ends.

as each day passes, i become more and more comfortable with who i am. i now know my limits. the culmination of years of fine-tuning can be laid to rest in a way, and now, we can just let the engine run. there's no implication of perfection in anyway. there's only acceptance. each layer of uselessness i packed on is disintegrating. and one day, i'll be left with only the useful. the most necessary. and i look forward to that day. because then i will have really achieved something. and the strange fact is i will be filled with joy but only for a little while. because when the joy dissipates and i have that quiet moment, i will be sad that i lost it.

on bended knee

yikes! that's not why all two of you tune into this blog. but i thought it was time to upload some pictures of what my mangled knee looks like. the last bit of bandage (yes, i had a bandage for over a month! i wasn't expecting that either!) fell off last night and i got my first look at my knee sans bandages. i thought it looked pretty gross so i took some pictures to share with everything. now obviously, i'm a redhead so there is some natural splotchyness to my color anyway. but you can there is still some redness and bruising from the surgery. my physical therapist, however, says it looks really good. and he is excited about how much i can straighten it and bend it. i still can't run. won't be able to run for another month or two. but i can walk pretty good. and each morning, it hurts less and less when i wake up. that's all you can ask for. i'm headed in the right direction. so don't be too freaked out by my pictures. i told demitria 'at least the incision is straight'. can you imagine if you took off your bandage and your incision was crooked? i would immediately have second thoughts about my surgeon.

you can clearly see the main incision in the pictures and also the hole in my kneecap. there are other holes around my knee too, but they don't show up too well. anyway, enjoy! and pretty soon i'll be challenging everyone to a race.

breaking the ice

these are some of our christmas activities. the bottom shot is of our wonderful tree. demitria is taking it down right now as i type. the presents have been opened. the good tidings and cheer have returned back to their rightful place and been replaced by mental neurosis and paranoia. ah, i missed those bleak winter thoughts. in the top picture, we have mr. chester, our snowman. he melted a few days ago. we have better pictures, but we can't get them off the camera yet. i'm still working on it. but it's a good picture of our entire snow-filled backyard. mr. chester is wearing a bowler hat, a red scarf and he literally has two pieces of coal for eyes. he's a sharp fellow. i was always sad at the end of frosty when he melted. and the feeling is even worse when your personal snowman melts. it's tough to take. but i hear he'll be back again next year. probably in a few short weeks. i'll keep everyone updated if mr. chester makes a return appearance.