carry that weight

this is the longest non-posting span i've had since i started. friday was my birthday. saturday was my birthday party and sunday was a day of sleep.

i don't have any links. today is a weird day for me. my birthday is over. the party is over and now it's back to work. back to getting my last month of school over with. i realized something on sunday, a few somethings. the first is that i want to change my behavior. this is something that's been on my mind for some time. i do not enjoy staying up late and drinking anymore. i do not enjoy the way my body feels afterwards and i do not enjoy the thoughts and emotions that i experience when i am in that way. it's not real emotion. it's enhanced and fabricated and it betrays me because it masquerades as real. i do not want to experience it anymore.

the other something was a feeling of extreme change. in the past year, i've been married and i will graduate this winter and i had rarely felt change like this spirit of change i felt on sunday. i hadn't because i initiated those changes, getting married, going to school, etc. i am amazed by them, but i made them happen and i was fully aware of most of the changes those decisions would bring. the change i am speaking of now came from visiting my best friend's grandmother house. it was the house i thought of as my own home. it was the house i spent a lot of time in from the age of 15 to 19. i felt so free at that house. it was right on the river and we would take the jet ski out and under the bridge, over to where to the nice water started. we would leave around midnight and go play pool under 2 in the morning. we would listen to new bands and get on the internet when it was new.

i saw that house this weekend and was shocked at how it looked. the upstairs is lonely and foul. the downstairs is lived in and mostly the way it was the last time i had been there. but there was an overall sense of decay with the house. i can't imagine being over 80 years old and having to clean that big house all my myself so i completely feel for the wonderful woman who lives there. it's just amazing how your mind carries on the image of something indefinitely. and it won't change until you confront your mind with reality. the reality was sad, which it often is. but as i sat and spoke with my friend about the house and all of time hanging out there, i began to think of the house as a huge safety net. it had caught various members of my friends family and it had even caught me. i'll cherish being in that house with my friend and his family because i always felt welcome and made to feel like a member of the family. i was lucky to have walked through its door.