one horse town

this is an open letter to my body:

that's it body. you and me are finally on the same team. i know i've nurtured you and taken care of you. i took you to the beach and to the gym, where we turned you into something pretty sweet. but you know what i'm really talking about. it's not about those times to the beach or to the gym. it's about those times where i try to destroy you. you know those times, don't you? those times where i think i'm having fun and i think you can handle it, but then you and my brain get together and punish me like medieval times? those times?

well, that's it. no more. no mas. i'm turning in. throwin' in the white towel. laying down the flag. putting my sock in the air. that last one was an original of mine. that's right. i can't compete anymore. i finally realize that the last 9 years are finally over. the behavior i cherished and looked forward to is finally over. and the best part is, i'm ready. it should be over. it's time. i can't yell in people's faces anymore and expect them to be okay with it. i can't steal random objects from bars or people's houses and expect them to be okay with it. i certainly can't call people and speak in one unrecognizable syllable and expect them to understand me. but most of all, i can't get out of control and still be able to control the situation. that's the rub. the loss of control was the point from the very beginning. that's what it was about. losing control. not being responsible for what happened. not wanting to remember what happened. that was the main event. that's really why the whole thing started. you remember? you wanted to lose control. you wanted to do things you knew you shouldn't, but you sure wanted to, so you figured out a way to do them and feel okay about them. that was great. it was honestly, the most brilliant thing ever done on the planet. ever. and it worked. for a long time, it worked to perfection.

the thing is, though, it doesn't work anymore. and the reason it doesn't work anymore, is because i don't want to lose control. i don't want to do things that i shouldn't. i want to feel in control of everything. be responsible for the things i say and do. and no, it's not because i'm getting older and i'm married and all that crap. it's because i did it. and now, i'm done with it.

the best part of the weekend for me is sunday breakfast. i'll get up or my wife will, and we'll make breakfast and talk and watch our political shows. and then we'll go for a walk or go bike-riding. those things are why i work so hard during the week. it's to get to that moment. to experience a bowl of oatmeal with my wife on sunday morning. that's the whole thing. if i destroy myself, i don't get that moment. i don't the walk. i don't get the bike-ride. those things are robbed from me. and why are they robbed? because i thought it was more important to talk to someone about why the original star wars movie is better than empire strikes back until four in the morning. and it is by the way. look it up.

now body, i expect you to back me on this. i'm doing this for you. and my brain too, i guess. because his revenge is awful as well. but there will be times when i think the best way to relieve stress is whiskey and smoke. it's going to happen. so i'm going to need you to kick yourself whenever you feel that it's too strong. go ahead and kick yourself right in the ass. i won't mind. i'll then remember what's going on and right the ship.

but i'm writing this down today, so i can read it anytime i want. i can remember that this is what i want and this is what i need. this time, they're the same. it's going to be hard. but the reward will be more than enough. it's time to enjoy the whole thing in a different way.

i can't wait until sunday morning.