feeling yourself disintegrate

i know i've posted a lot of videos lately. but i guess if there was one that i'd want people to listen to, it would be this one because i'm listening to it over and over again as i write this.

"feeling yourself disintegrate."

nik cohn once said pet sounds was "sad songs about loneliness and heartache. sad songs even about happiness." and how equally and impenetrably intertwined sadness is with happiness. the last page of a book brings the penultimate feeling of joy but undoubtedly coupled with the final feeling of loss of the relationship you just ended by finishing the last sentence on the page.

each monumental accomplishment closes the door. each minute task ends.

as each day passes, i become more and more comfortable with who i am. i now know my limits. the culmination of years of fine-tuning can be laid to rest in a way, and now, we can just let the engine run. there's no implication of perfection in anyway. there's only acceptance. each layer of uselessness i packed on is disintegrating. and one day, i'll be left with only the useful. the most necessary. and i look forward to that day. because then i will have really achieved something. and the strange fact is i will be filled with joy but only for a little while. because when the joy dissipates and i have that quiet moment, i will be sad that i lost it.