feeling yourself disintegrate

i know i've posted a lot of videos lately. but i guess if there was one that i'd want people to listen to, it would be this one because i'm listening to it over and over again as i write this.

"feeling yourself disintegrate."

nik cohn once said pet sounds was "sad songs about loneliness and heartache. sad songs even about happiness." and how equally and impenetrably intertwined sadness is with happiness. the last page of a book brings the penultimate feeling of joy but undoubtedly coupled with the final feeling of loss of the relationship you just ended by finishing the last sentence on the page.

each monumental accomplishment closes the door. each minute task ends.

as each day passes, i become more and more comfortable with who i am. i now know my limits. the culmination of years of fine-tuning can be laid to rest in a way, and now, we can just let the engine run. there's no implication of perfection in anyway. there's only acceptance. each layer of uselessness i packed on is disintegrating. and one day, i'll be left with only the useful. the most necessary. and i look forward to that day. because then i will have really achieved something. and the strange fact is i will be filled with joy but only for a little while. because when the joy dissipates and i have that quiet moment, i will be sad that i lost it.

on bended knee

yikes! that's not why all two of you tune into this blog. but i thought it was time to upload some pictures of what my mangled knee looks like. the last bit of bandage (yes, i had a bandage for over a month! i wasn't expecting that either!) fell off last night and i got my first look at my knee sans bandages. i thought it looked pretty gross so i took some pictures to share with everything. now obviously, i'm a redhead so there is some natural splotchyness to my color anyway. but you can there is still some redness and bruising from the surgery. my physical therapist, however, says it looks really good. and he is excited about how much i can straighten it and bend it. i still can't run. won't be able to run for another month or two. but i can walk pretty good. and each morning, it hurts less and less when i wake up. that's all you can ask for. i'm headed in the right direction. so don't be too freaked out by my pictures. i told demitria 'at least the incision is straight'. can you imagine if you took off your bandage and your incision was crooked? i would immediately have second thoughts about my surgeon.

you can clearly see the main incision in the pictures and also the hole in my kneecap. there are other holes around my knee too, but they don't show up too well. anyway, enjoy! and pretty soon i'll be challenging everyone to a race.

breaking the ice

these are some of our christmas activities. the bottom shot is of our wonderful tree. demitria is taking it down right now as i type. the presents have been opened. the good tidings and cheer have returned back to their rightful place and been replaced by mental neurosis and paranoia. ah, i missed those bleak winter thoughts. in the top picture, we have mr. chester, our snowman. he melted a few days ago. we have better pictures, but we can't get them off the camera yet. i'm still working on it. but it's a good picture of our entire snow-filled backyard. mr. chester is wearing a bowler hat, a red scarf and he literally has two pieces of coal for eyes. he's a sharp fellow. i was always sad at the end of frosty when he melted. and the feeling is even worse when your personal snowman melts. it's tough to take. but i hear he'll be back again next year. probably in a few short weeks. i'll keep everyone updated if mr. chester makes a return appearance.

oh my God, charlie darwin

gonna fly now

eye of the tiger

do the astros have it? no. they don't. we're a month away from spring training. that's right. we're getting close to baseball being back. and if you're an astros fan, that is a good and bad thing. the good thing is we can watch baseball. but the bad thing is it's really bad baseball. it was historically bad and it will be bad again this year. i mean real bad. chris johnson is no long term solution and it's beginning to become clear that brett wallace is not going to work out at the big league level. he seems like another jason lane. carlos lee is trending down quick. our bench is made up of scrubs. the future's so bright, i have to pull out my eyes.

the prospects on the way: singleton, cosart, villar. they might be on the way soon. paredes, martinez, altuve and castro will start the season. they looked decent at times last year. martinez showed some pop but not much. the pitching staff will be intact unless we deal wandy or brett myers, which we should. or maybe even bud norris. i'm not above dealing anybody at this point.

a new owner. a new season. baseball is almost back. the best time of year.

in the new year

new year's resolutions. aren't they great? we pick a certain day and make goals when we should be doing that everyday. and about two/three weeks later, those goals are gone because they were really only made to facilitate an immediate meaning to the new year. "this is the year i do this...". so, i'll play along:

1. pass all parts of the cpa test
2. lose the weight i've gained since surgery
3. volunteer once a month somewhere
4. take an international trip
5. buy a house

those are top five. i thought i'd stop there. i think i made a similar list earlier in the year. maybe changed a few things. once i get done with the test, i do really want to start volunteering somewhere. maybe do some work with the homeless. maybe do some sort of physical work, like helping build houses on the weekend or clean up an old person's yard. i have no idea. those are just the kinds of things i want to start filling my time with.

how about those texans? hurt and limping into the playoffs. i give them no shot at winning the game against cincinnati. they are one and done. come on jacky d! our 4th qb for the year! where is steve deberg or jeff george when you need them?

winter symphony

i've been listening to the beach boys to feel warm the last few days. however, this song perfectly hits the winter feeling that's all around us here. so merry christmas everyone. and stay tuned for pictures of snowmen to come, including the famous mr. chester who took up residence in our backyard. he's all business.

a bunch of lonesome heroes

folks, we could sit here and talk all day about my sports prowess. how i'm almost always right when it comes to predictions, but we have things to do people and i understand that.

but, let it be known, the texans have one more game to play. if they win, they're 11-5. if they lose, they're 10-6. i correctly predicted them going either 11-5 or 10-6 for the season in a previous blog entry. that makes this the third year in a row that i have correctly predicted the texans record within a game. i know, i know. amazing, right? well, thank you. i just ask that when you sit down with your kids/family for christmas, you tell them the real story of my amazing predictions. and save me some pie.

also in an earlier blog entry, i went off on gary kubiak and said he should be fired. no matter what the outcome is this year (with the farfetched exception being winning the super bowl), i stand by my rant. i don't think gary kubiak is a winning coach and ultimately, for the long-term benefit of the organization, he should go. this is why.

something cool

today is my wife's birthday. and as such, i had to come up with a birthday process. first, i hung the sign in the living room that says 'happy birthday'. i'm sure my wife knows it's her birthday, but the sign really seals it. then i told her she got one present right away, but for the remainder of the presents, she had to master the checkers game they have at cracker barrel, the one where it's a wooden triangle and you have to jump one peg at a time. she mastered it and got one more present. then she had to put together the panda puzzle you see above for her next present. obviously from the picture, she did as such. and finally, she had to find the funny money above. as i'm writing this, she has yet to find the funny money, so she has one more gift outstanding. and it's the best.

the money is currently located in the kitchen cabinets, stuck to the inside of the door. don't tell her.

tonight we're going to dinner at a place neither of us has been to. in addition to the birthday sign, i got her some birthday hats, balloons and those new years poppers. i never realized how awful those things stink. the house smells like gunpowder right now. gross. nothing reminds me of birthdays like the smell of gunpowder. i also got some crazy straws. and believe me, they're crazy.

on wednesday night and into thursday, we got a foot of snow. it's awesome outside. it's white and fluffy and the sun's out, so it's all bathed in sunlight. i mean, it's just beautiful. but really, really cold. i briefly went outside to throw out the coffee grinds from yesterday and my feet nearly came off.

call out the instigators

i wanna be your dog

christmas time is here

and in the spirit of christmas, i watched the star wars christmas special. you can watch it on youtube in little clips, like 15 of them.

it was, without a doubt, the worst thing i've ever seen. jefferson starship? wookie porn? what is going on here? life day? why does luke look like he's 10 and why is leia singing? why is bea arthur singing in a cantina on tatooine? the worst.

i highly suggest everyone take time this holiday season to watch this mammoth travesty of entertainment. and happy life day!

do it again

the beach boys are back baby! brian wilson, mike love, al jardine, bruce johnston and david marks are planning on recording a new album and doing a tour. now, i know. the last album by the beach boys was, to put it nicely, a big pile of crap. but, brian is involved this time and brian has been on a tear as of late. 'smile' and 'that lucky old sun' were really great albums. in fact, i was shocked how good 'that lucky old sun' was. of course, when you throw in mike and bruce, things could get dicey quick. but i'm keeping my hopes up for one last great beach boys album.

what would my ranking for greatest beach boys albums look like? i'm glad you asked. here is my list for greatest beach boys albums:

1. pet sounds
2. the beach boys love you
3. sunflower
4. today
5. surf's up
6. friends
7. summer days and summer nights
8. 20/20
9. all summer long
10. holland

those are the top ten greatest beach boys albums. they range from the early stuff in 1964 to about 1977. stay away from these albums:

1. miu
2. beach boys 85 s/t
3. keepin the summer alive
4. 15 big ones
5. carl and the passions/la light

these are pretty bad. carl and the passions and la light are good in spots, but between blonde's additions and a very well intentioned, but ultimately misguided attempt at beach boy disco, those two albums are the worst of the 70's after miu, which is probably the worst beach boys album ever. most of these are post-1977 when things went sour. one thing though, the best solo album by any beach boy is 'pacific ocean blue' by dennis wilson. it's incredible. dennis was the hidden talent in the band. he's the reason why 'sunflower' is so good.

any beach boys questions can be directed to me. i've been a scholar for more then ten years now. world-renowned expert people. i've met mike love. i've won tickets in a beach boy song name-off with old dudes. i know, impressive. thank you.

my study buddy pt. 2

looking good study buddy. i had to add one with her eyes open. and you can see why.

sign o the times

best protest signs of the year.

sonny feeling

jeff tweedy does the 7 day forecast on wgn. pretty good stuff.

my study buddy

she's working hard.

handshake drugs

i'm out of the initial surgery window. i'm up and moving. a bit. still up on crutches, but i'm up and down on my own. and i can lift my left leg on my own. i can almost tie my shoes on my own. that's a big day that's coming soon. i took the dressing off the other night to shower. i have about five holes around my knee. i have an incision about two inches long right under my knee. it all looked good. i cleaned up and dried off and felt great. i have never taken a shower on a cooler before, there is a first time for everything. see, i can't stand up on my own. so i had to sit. and a cooler was, crazy enough, the most logical choice. i think we're going to take it back to the store. so think about that the next you buy something, never knowing if someone sat naked on it and then took it back.

i also slept in my normal bed last night. i had been staying on the couch. i'm trying to get back to normal sleeping hours. i was sleeping and waking up and watching tv and then falling back to sleep. one night i was up at four in the morning watching 'how i met your mother'. is that dude ever going to end that story? i'm really ready to find out how he met his wife. and then we can move on the spin-off, 'how i met my third cousin rosie'. anyway, i need to get it together sleep wise.

i think i'm ready for my top ten for 2011. here it goes:

1. destroyer- kaputt
2. thurston moore- demolishing thoughts
3. my morning jacket- circuital
4. m83- hurry up, we're dreaming
5. fleet foxes- helplessness blues
6. wilco- the whole love
7. girls- father, son, holy ghost
8. panda bear- tomboy
9. real estate- days
10. radiohead- king of limbs
11. kurt vile- smoke ring for my halo
12. pains of being pure at heart- belong
13. a.a. bondy- believers
14. the low anthem- smart flesh
15. bon iver- bon iver
16. the strokes- angles
17. washed out- within and without

albums that i have a feeling are good, but i haven't heard:
1. ryan adams- ashes and fire
2. wye oak- civilian
3. ladybug transistor- clutching stems
4. the roots- undun
5. the smith westerns- dye it blonde

pretty good year for music this year. the radiohead album was a bit of a disappointment. wilco's new album was really a great welcome back from the band. the strokes rode the 80s wave and knocked a few tracks out of the park. i didn't see a lot of concerts this year: my morning jacket, the avett brothers, fruit bats, vetiver, noah and the whale and guster.

what else in 2011? travelled quite a bit: salt lake city, atlanta, kansas city, san jose, seattle. i stole a pizza in kc. i saw guster in salt lake city and ran into the starbucks guy out walking his dog on a random street in slc. that was awkward. got picked up and dropped in atlanta in a karoake bar. nothing exciting in san jose or seattle. got back from seattle and tore my acl. that weekend. way back in october. that was the last time i could run. never thought i'd miss running.

i usually have big even years. see below:
2010: moved to denver, got a job
2008: graduated and got married
2006: got engaged and moved in
2004: wrote a book and at the peak of my hotness

big stuff. now, see the odd numbered years:
2011: tore my acl
2009: moved into a cave
2007: nothing happened at all
2005: actually this was a good year, but you need an exception always

good stuff ahead.

good morning spider

i am alive people! i think that's probably where i should start. but the story begins earlier than that. actually, that's not true, because that's probably the beginning to all of my stories if you want to get technical. so i won't start there. instead i'll start thursday morning in the great city of denver:

9:15 a.m. i woke up and started getting ready for the big day. it had snowed the night before, so demitria had to wake up and snovel the driveway and sidewalk before we could go. there was probably about six inches of snow on the ground. i couldn't eat or drink anything before the surgery. bummer. i really wanted a glass of water. or some coffee. instead, i made sure my out of office reply was working for my work email.

10:15 a.m. i signed in. i had to fill out all kinds of paperwork saying i was notified of this and i was notified of that. took about 15 minutes to get through all the paperwork. and i didn't know at the time, i had more paperwork ahead of me in the pre-operating area.

11:15 a.m. they called my name. i went back and they took my blood pressure and asked me questions about my lifestyle. i said no to the questions about body piercing and tattoos. i said no to the hardcore drug questions. the nurse told me a story about one of her friends and how he found out his wife was cheating on him. good story. took my mind off the surgery.

11:30 a.m. i changed into my gown and got into bed. the nurse, the one with the good cheating story, shaved my knee and scrubbed it clean with iodine. she was having a hard time finding an adequate vein in my right arm, so she switches and finds a nice vein in my left hand. that's where they put the iv. now, i want to interject here that i heard several comments about how redheads are genetic mutants. i had heard a similar comment from my surgeon prior to the surgery in my last doctor's visit. he said that redheads had loose joints. the nurse said we have bad veins and bleed a lot of easier. all in all, the main topic of both conversations was that redheads are genetic mutants as already mentioned. i found that fascinating that doctors and nurses had these ideas pertaining to redheads and they were pretty commonly held among the medical community. interesting.

12:10 p.m. the doctors and the anesthesiologist came by and made sure i was ready. made sure we're doing the left knee and made sure we're using my own hamstring. the nurse had mentioned that since i was nervous i could ask the anesthesiologist for something before i go into surgery to calm me down. so of course, i did. and as they're wheeling me away, it starts to kick in and i yell to demitria that i can feel it kicking in. it felt like i'd just taken about 5 shots of alcohol at the same time. whoozy, but still hanging in there.

12:25 p.m. i'm in the operating room. it's cold. there's music. i start asking the doctor if i can get out of the house to watch the texans game on sunday. and that's it. i don't remember anything.

12:30 p.m.- 2:00 p.m. i don't remember anything. didn't have a single thought. no dreams while i was out. time gone from my life that's basically erased.

2:15 p.m. i'm out and awake. i don't remember much here either, but i do remember a nurse asking me how much pain i was in. and offering me cookies, which i accepted.

2:50-6:00 p.m. the rest of this time was waking up and getting moving. lots of breathing and making sure i wasn't nauseous. finally i got into a wheelchair and they wheeled me out and i was home.

that was the day. the big surgery day. woke up, got knocked out, got cut up and finally got home. it's amazing that this kind of stuff is even possible.